Paging A Parent Coach?

A new breed of professional adviser can offer parents practical solutions-even if they never meet face-to-face

Originally published in Better Homes & Gardens February 2004

BY SARAN MAHONEY

Kathleen Pileggi, a fitness instructor in Lansdale, Pennsylvania, was feeling the pressure. Her constantly changing work schedule was stressful enough. But to top it off, her 4-year-old daughter Catherine was making more and more demands. Kathleen felt her daughter needed to start learning to do a few things for herself, but she had no time to teach her. She had reached the limits of her juggling ability and needed some help.

Christopher Howell, a massage therapist in Austin, Texas, felt his three sons were growing out of control. He wanted to keep them in line but also to teach them how to be responsible so that ultimately they could keep themselves in line. But he wasn't sure where-or how-to start.

Different parents with different challenges. Nothing earth-shattering, nothing life-threatening, but both parents shared one common trait: Their confidence in their own parenting skills was temporarily undermined, and they found themselves needing help, yet not knowing where to get it.

As it turned out, these parents got the guidance they needed by going to a parent coach. Unlike a family therapist, who addresses issues when something serious is wrong, a coach help parents navigate the growing number of ordinary snags in daily life and, perhaps most importantly, helps parents feel good about themselves while they do it.

"There have never been so many expectations on parents, and so little real support," says Gloria DeGaetano, founder of the Parent Coaching Institute (www.thepci.com) in Bellevue, Washington. "Society has laid responsibility for more things on parents from volunteering in schools and helping with homework to organizing athletics and after school activities. Coaching helps parents get in touch with what really matters to them and things that don't," she says.

Parents of every age, income level, and personal background seek coaching help. What these parents want, says KellyAnn Bonnell, a Phoenix-based parent coach, isn't wisdom from any great parenting authority. "They want me to give them solutions, and then they can choose the one that works best," she says.

WHO ARE PARENT COACHES?

Although many self-styled coaches claim personal experience as their greatest qualification, common sense dictates that most parents should also look for some kind of professional training. A background in teaching, educational consulting, social work, and family or personal therapy are all solid bases for a qualified parent coach No accredited college or university offers a formal degree in parent coaching, but some businesses offer certification, such as Coach U (www.coachu.com), which, while not a university, is a respected international training company based in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Typically, a Coach U certificate requires a 2-year, 200-hour program in coaching and consulting. DeGaetano's Parent Coaching Institute (PCI) offers a one-year parent coaching program in partnership with a local university. Both Coach U and PCI offer referrals to help parents find a suitable coach,

HOW COACHING WORKS

Once a parent finds a coach and makes the initial contact, the two set up a meeting schedule, most likely these will be phone and e-mail coaching sessions.

Group coaching sessions might cost as little as $20; private sessions typically cost between $250 to $500 for two hours of coaching, plus a month of follow-ups. Some coaches may meet with clients in person at first, but almost all coaching happens via the phone. And while it might seem odd that most coaches never actually see or talk to the children they're giving advice about, coaches say that makes perfect sense: Their primary goal is to help parents feel better, typically by talking them through it.

"A coach can help parents close the gap between where they are and where they want to be," says Joe Brattain, an Austin, Texas, coach (www.brattaincoaching.com).

while no parent should expect a coach to deal with severe emotional or developmental issues (and any good coach facing such a situation should refer parents to specialists), coaches can help parents who can't or won't tap older relatives for advice, or who may be dealing with a specific challenge, says Natalie Gahrmann, a coach in Hillsborough, New Jersey, who runs the coaching Web site www.nrgcoaching.com. It's typically something minor but enormously frustrating, such as a son who suddenly refuses to eat any vegetables on his plate, or a daughter who begins to indulge in frequent temper tantrums at the slightest provocation. Typically, solutions are based on common sense and the perspective an outsider can bring to a family. "I help parents find their own solutions," says Gahrmann, ",and I help teach their kids to be problem-solvers."

CHOICES AND CONTROL

Other coaches help parents focus on the many choices that confront them-and their children-every day. Working with parent coach Jill Herman, in Audubon, Pennsylvania (www.coachjill.com), Kathleen Pileggi realized that part of her problem with her daughter's demands came down to -how busy we really are and how that puts more time pressure on an of us," Kathleen says. As for helping her daughter to be responsible, Kathleen was coached on ways to teach her daughter to make the right decisions.

And children-without ever speaking to the coach-do get the message. Christopher Howell, who had consulted with Joe Brattain recalls the time his 12-year-old son washed the car, and then pulled it into the garage. The resulting accident was minor, but scraped plenty of paint -off, the car. Because Christopher and his wife had been coached to help their boys solve their own problems, "My son told me about it, asked for an estimate for the damage, and promised to work off the bill in trade," he says. Christopher gives all the credit to picking the right coach for the problem.

But finding that coach requires a little homework first. In addition to checking credentials through some of the organizations listed hem parents should talk to at least three different coaches before making a decision. As parents like Christopher can attest, finding a coach whose style fits yours makes all the difference.